Doing the right thing takes a lot of work, a lot of searching your heart, your mind, your soul, your motivations. It takes strength of will. It takes selflessness. Very often it causes your heart to break because you're not thinking of yourself, but someone else and what's best for them, not for you.
Today we're having to do the right thing for Schmoo. My heart is broken and I'm prone to tears without warning. As hard as it is for me, I think it's three times as hard for B for a lot of reasons. She was Mr B's companion for almost 15 years and mine for five of those.
She guarded the bathroom door when I showered, played 'catch-me' when I'd come home, and was a steady gentle presence and anchor to our home. But the lymphoma progressed as cancers will and she was losing her smile, which was so much a part of her. We're at peace with the decision (as much as you can be with a decision like this) and have a vet willing to come to the house. We have friends who are mourning with us.
She's been enjoying people food for the last few days (steak last night and eggs with cheese and bacon this morning), having lost all interest in either dog or cat food. One minute she's dancing like a puppy when we go for rides in the car. The next, she's tired and her back legs are shaky and she falls trying to eat while standing. In other ways, she's letting us know that she's ready to go while she's not in pain (thanks to increased pills that are increasingly losing their efficacy). If I could give 15 years of my life to cure her I would in a heartbeat. I'll remember her like she was in this picture taken by Auntie Brigid:
I love you my funny puppy! Thank you for your lessons of patience and unconditional love and the gift of strength that allowed me to think beyond myself. Wait for us at the Rainbow Bridge please....
4 months ago